Accepting Any Answer
My peace cannot depend on an outcome. I don't like thinking about that, to be completely honest here. But if my faith only survives when God gives me the answer I want, then what I have isn't really faith. It's an invalid contract.
Most Christians understand logically that God is not Santa Claus. He is not a wishing well or a genie. Yet, I think my view of this gets unintentionally fuzzy sometimes. I want God's way over mine, but I really, really hope it looks a certain way. I hope that God's way for me looks like success, community, and immense rejoicing starting yesterday. To be clear, I don't think wanting non-sinful things is wrong. However, while God wants His children to experience joy and goodness, that doesn't always look like what we want on this side of life. There is a surrender involved that we often would rather ignore. Romans 7 and 8, some of my favorite passages, explain this feeling more accurately than I can:
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me" (Romans 7:18-20).
In chapter 8, Paul famously writes that there is no condemnation for those who are alive in Christ, and that the present sufferings of life are nothing compared to what saved Christians have waiting for them in glory. Paul acknowledges that suffering is real and painful, but places it inside a much larger hope: creation groans, believers groan, and yet they wait with hope for redemption.
So then, looking at these two passages, we see a bit of an issue: my flesh wants what it wants even though I know God's plan is better for me (it even ends with Heaven), and I deeply desire to trust Him. So how is peace attainable if I, like a toddler in a toy store, my flesh wants what I want right now anyway?
I tend to believe it relies on a perspective change and an examination of where God's fingerprints have appeared on my life.
Bees
Let's discuss that with a direct example:
Bee venom therapy. Weird. Yet, it is a small picture of something much bigger for me.
Because of my general knowledge of Lyme Disease, I had heard of bee venom therapy a bit before I got sick and, truthfully, found it anti-science and silly. I'm still not sure I can fully buy every claim some supporters of this therapy make, and yet, here I am, having my spine stung 10 times every other day indefinitely. A classic, very odd pride check.
There is a large part of me that is struggling with accepting that I could do this for a very long time and it may be to no benefit. This may end up being filed away as something else that didn't work, and I am not sure I'm okay with that. This feeling comes up often when I begin another endeavor, for health or otherwise. There is a fear of pouring too much hope into something, desiring relief to come right at this very moment. In the same way, my own desires to live a different life can become an idol in my life, a craving that takes all of my mental space.
However, the perspective change comes with learning that I am allowed to hope that this works without my faith relying on it. I'm allowed to pray that it works and pursue it. But I cannot make peace dependent on an outcome that may not be in God's plan for my life, and that, should it fail, I fully understand that it is not for me. Right now, one of my most frequent prayers is that I would desire the things that God desires for me, and that other desires that He does not have for me would fall away. That I may trust God with such depth that, when things do not end up my way, I only grow closer to His heart.
A bee (if you couldn't tell)
Christ Over the Outcome
There is a mainstream Christian song out right now with a line in it that says: "If the highest place I reach is at Your feet, then I've done it all." While I know a lot of Christians who love this song and others who don't, I really like that lyric. It puts things into perspective for me, understanding that there is nothing here, on this earth, that can come close to touching the glory and perfection of God. There is nothing I could ever want that could fulfill me more than the relationship I have with my Savior.
When I look back and reflect on my life, I see God's fingerprints on it so vividly. I see moments where He protected me, and others where He picked me up. It is undeniable that I serve a loving Father who loves me more than I can fathom.
While my flesh wants its own way, I know, at the deepest level, that there is nowhere better for me to be than in my Father's hands, whatever that may look like.
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